you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
