Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
