you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
