I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
