I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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