Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
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You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
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Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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