im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
