your parents love me but you hate me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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