Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
