I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Randomize
