I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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