I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
