Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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