If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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