i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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