don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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