She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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