My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
