you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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