I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
