When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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