Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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