Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
