So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
