I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
