My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
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