apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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