Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
