I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
