if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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