Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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