The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
