Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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