I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
did i walk over a car last night?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
