she pinky promised me she was 18
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
