I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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