I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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