toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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