soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
