How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
