Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
