i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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