Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
