You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
