the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
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i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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