Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
