Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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