I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
