I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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