Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
