were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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