More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.