If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
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well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
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remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.