why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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