my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she smelled like a LAN party
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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