I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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