You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The uberlube is also flammable
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
